Peace

Peace- Freedom from disturbance; Tranquility.

People are always talking about world peace and it always seems to go along with conversation related to war. I've just been thinking that to me it seems as though the anwser is that if we really and truly hate drama and hate conflict and hate negative emotions so much then maybe peace is just reaching a sense of acceptance inside ourselves.
Like, it starts on the individual level.

Acceptance that sometimes things are going to not go the way we desire.
Acceptance that sometimes we are not going to get what we know we deserve as equal humans to everyone else.
Acceptance that no matter how hard most of us work, we will always have someone more successful, more powerful, more attractive, or smarter than us.


Anyway, just my thoughts as obviously my life is not going as I would choose for it to but hey THAT'S LIFE! And I would LOVE to have some things be different then they currently are but I'm doing all I can do to help make sure that happens and that's all I can do!
My mama always said "Just do your best and that's all I can expect of you" And I think that's all we can expect of ourselves. And everything else we just have to accept and hand over to a higher power. And then we can really feel peace.

Anyway, just my thoughts this past week...

Mammaw

10 minutes after I left from visiting Mammaw at the nursing home today, we got a call saying she had been trying to get out of the wheelchair and fell over with it. She managed to come out with some bruises but thankfully no internal problems. We brought her home after that. She is so happy to be back. In her words-"I am just so blessed. I didn't think I would ever get to come home. I am so blessed to have children and grandchildren that love me."

Sweetie-pie.

Couldn't help but be a little frustrated as the home (like our local schools as my sister pointed out) is under-staffed and over-populated. Just glad she's home now!!

Support

Since going through all this immigration stuff I have been active in a couple different groups of tons of people that are separated from a loved one for immigration reasons. This past week I've just really appreciated all the support and realized what a huge difference it makes in my own attitude to realize I'm not alone and there are people that really and truly understand.

In these groups there have been posts the past couple days of sudden deportation but there are also others who may be reunited with a spouse after years of separation. My heart goes out to all you out there that are going through your own personal journey with different problems that have arisen because of the current immigration process.

Thanks so much for all the support.

Genuine

I've been thinking a lot lately about how someone could make it through their adult life and be super sneaky, lie constantly to others and even to themselves. I really am not sure how an individual could keep themselves from growing emotionally, spiritually, and even morally while they watch others make changes to their lives that create better relationships and lifestyle options. I'm sure we all know someone who constantly fibs about little things and have even mastered the art of being sneaky about it....even to the point where they appear to nearly everyone like the sweetest, most genuine individual around! After getting to know one of these individuals quite well, I can say I am just SO happy to be myself. I may not be the prettiest, best cook, or even too shy and awkward sometimes but at least I am genuinely myself! And at least when I am alone I am still the same person (except maybe less awkward ha)

I just really really really hate sneakiness and people who are super fake.

So here is a note to all you fakies- It may seem like the person you're presenting yourself to be is way more amazing than the person you really are..This is not, however, true. Be yourself. How are you supposed to fix your flaws if you keep covering them up?? Seriously, let's make some progress. Stop lying, fishing for compliments by attempting to appear humble, fibbing in your unrealistic show of looking like the most honorable spouse and parent, sneakily throwing in your little bragging comments in conversation, and manifesting your jealousy in unhealthy choices.
Time to grow up.

Summer Courses

Registered for summer courses! Will be taking Algebra, American History,and Public Speaking. Not exactly sure how public speaking works web-based....Should be interesting.

I've really started to enjoy school. Actually look forward to my homework for some classes. Ha, whatta dork,huh!?

Strong Ladies

With Mother's Day it had me thinking about what kind of mother/female I want to be. My Grandmother and mother are amazing (and STRONG!) women who haven't ever let anyone stop them from achieving their dreams. Would love to try and be half the women they have been.
Some things I admire that have let me know they're such wonderful mothers/females-
If someone can smoke 2-3 packs of cigs a day and then just one day decide to throw them out the window and quit forever.
If someone can lose every single person that is close to them and still manage a smile or chuckle every now and then.
If someone tries to chase down a cow when they are in their 70s and ends up punching it in order to try and make it move.
If someone goes back to school in their 40s (after raising 5 kids) because she knows you're never too old for education. And finish a bachelors and masters degree.
If someone can stay home with 5 kids and not go insane and still raise them to be productive members of society.
If someone can tell you how lucky and 'blessed' they are as if no tragedy has ever struck them. When in reality, they have seen sadness like no other.
If someone can put up with the stress kids sometimes manage to put on their mothers.

I love my Grandma and Mom. Salute to all you strong Moms/women out there!

Home

Sometimes I just daydream about when we will be able to buy a house and make it a home..What colors for the couch, curtains, bedspread..What brand of pots and pans I would like..What theme for the babies' room..etc,etc,etc..

I am somewhat angry that we both do our best to be good people, good parents, good friends, etc and we can not even have a home for the babies. Even more frustrating is that the reason we don't have this ability is because I have married a man who is SO honest and good-hearted that in an attempt to fix a mistake he previously made, we have been separated indefinably. (And furthermore a mistake that actually didn't even originate from a selfish bone in his body) And the ending result from this drawn-out attempt?-That we can not even have a stable home for our two little babies who deserve everything in the world. I hate it.

In all honesty-I would love to even have an old junker to fix up...Curtains, a couch, kitchenware, towels, siding, flooring, etc...I would really really love that. I think if we were parents who didn't put much into being parents, I may would feel different..But we aren't parents who go out and party or even would go on dates and leave the babies with a babysitter..Ever. From day one we have given it our all to provide a morally and emotionally stable environment for the kiddos..And it is so infuriating to feel like there are such unreasonable boundaries to the provisions we have the ability to give to Orlando and Dyana. ESPECIALLY when I can honestly say Chucho is the most hard-working individual I have ever met. I really do not like feeling helpless when it comes to what I can give our little family. Geez, we don't/never have wanted a hand-out. I would love if we just had the ability to work to have a home. And the way for this to be achieved is for my husband to be back here with his wife and children-where he should be.

Yes, he made a mistake in his attempt to come to the United States as an illegal alien. Yes, it was the only option at the time for survival for his family but he/I want to fix it. Yes, we have begged through a lot of paperwork and letters for forgiveness. We have shown he has a clear record and no addictions and would/did prove to be an asset rather than a liability to our wonderful country. What more can we do? We need him back here with us.

(In continuation of my rant...)Tonight I was watching this show called Cops and Coyotes..Obviously by the name it most likely is not the best option for something to watch right now if attempting to be even somewhat of a positive individual...If I am ever able to watch that show again it will be a long long long time from now. I found myself very critical of everything being said.

Anyway...I'm going through one of these week-or-so frustrated modes so I should probably end this here..!

Birthday Girl

What to do...?

I really feel kind of lost without Mammaw to watch every day...Like I don't know what to do..

She really is what makes me get up every morning and get going and out of the house..Now I feel like there's no body to cook dinner for, no one to look forward to seeing, and no reason to leave the house unless there's an errand to run..(not that I cooked dinner for her but I was in a habit of doing that for Chucho until he left..) Like, those are the things that keep the day moving..Now days just seem pretty long I guess without anything to move it forward...If that makes sense..

I miss her..!